Dear Brian 2/3/15

It's almost ten years since I lost you. You are not some random person in my life are that I when to school with. There are people whom think this but you aren't. You was my best friend and it has been almost ten years since I have lost my best friend so much as happen since I lost saw you. So much has changed. At the same time so much is the same. I have gone throu the finding and lost of my real father. I have gone through the last of two children. I have gone through so much bad news about my health. I have gone through major surgery twice. I have gone through a marriage. I have gone throu Birth of two kids. And I have gone through many deaths with out you there. These are things a best friend should be there for and you was not a live to see them happen. I have leaded on your brother in places that I would normally lean on you plus the things I normally go to him. Yes this made him and I closer but I didn't want us close cause you death. When I lost you I lost myself. Sudiced crosses my mind from time to time cause there so many whom I lost not here that had faith in me and so little here that dose have faith in me. I can not open easy to any one I have closed the world off. Everything you was working on with me when in vien when you passed I closed everyone off but your brother. I deal with too many people claiming I don't know you and very few that know I knew you. You was my best friend and you meant everything how was I to know that day I cancled would been my last to see you. If I could go back I would see you more I would make an effort to see you more then I did and not us I'm busy as a reason not to see you. Your death changed me it closed me off to new people and made me hold tight to those I have I miss you every day and it feels like yesterday you was still here I remember looking in to your eyes and having long convos I remeber randomly being picked up and thrown over your shoulder to go somewhere I remeber everything and I don't want to ever forget you. I know I have not visited your grave much and that I'm sorry I still remember Elise and her friend ripping me off your grave cause it all hit me that it was real you was really gone. And I remeber that pain. I remeber crying my self to sleep at night are calling your brother late at night cause of your last I remeber him calling me I remeber him and I becoming one and not talking to anyone else ause we was scared to let anyone in to be hurt again. I remeber you and I remeber what happen and I know what all you missed when things get hard I yell in to the sky cause I need my best friend I have been scraed to have a best friend in fear of replacing you and I don't want to replace you no one can replace you. I missed you and I love you like the best friend you are well was and I miss you when you died a part of me died to and when with you. The pain of your lost is never gone it's always there and I just learn how to hide it. No one should know how it feels to lose their best friend. A best friend someone to be with them through it all the good the bad everything. I have lost out on that I see anything about best friends and I feel that hole you left. I hear a song on the radio about friends and I feel that hole. You put there and I'm mad at you for it cause you put it there by choice. You play a stupid game that I told you it not if its when you choiced to kill your self and all to get a high. You did this selfishly. And I don't get this you missed your brothers graduations. I was there. You missed so much a brother should of been there but you wasn't there. You choiced to not be there you choice this for a high. I miss you and that will never change what we had will never change but how you ended I will never understand this world is not the same with out you and many of us are not the same with out you. We all have changed cause of you and I'm sorry but your death still draws me to ending mine I won't cause thanks to you I know how bad it will be for those whom care and I will not put your brother through that pain again. When those thoughts cross my head I text your brother and tell him what he done that you should of and thank him and then I remeber all he has done for me and then I would remeber wheat I did for him and I don't want him to go throu that pain again. I miss you and wish you was here but your not and I need to learn to let you go fully but not forget you not forget any of this the pain of a death of a love one never goes away you just learn how to hide it. This is one big bag I will always care but thankfully I have your brother to Healy me with that bag. I love the time we had and every one tells me I was lucky to know you for the time you was on this earth and how I should be blessed and not depressed but I know what I lost I know whom I was all that change one night.